There’s a dragon in our downstairs bathroom that watches you while you pee. Their (it’s a pink dragon but I choose not to assume gender because there are perfectly handsome pink dragons who are boys and besides the dragon in our bathroom won’t answer if I ask) judgmental eyes are both a deterrent to anyone clogging the pipes as well as a guilt trip to ensure one washes his or her hands.

We originally bought this dragon as a Valentine’s Day gift for my mother and she chose to hide it around the house. Whoever found it would then have to hide it and so on. We did this for around two months before the dragon found its home in the bathroom.

It’s still there.

I don’t think many people notice it or if they do, they choose not to say anything.

Fair.

But when I use it, those big ol’ eyes stare me down until I almost can’t do my business. It’s moments like this that make me wonder, why do we get so embarrassed in public restrooms? (A leap in logic, but hang with me)

I can only speak on behalf of the female perspective, but I assume some men go through a similar feeling…? Maybe differently…no definitely differently since you guys have that whole stall versus urinal thing. So you know when a man uses the stall it’s more than likely cause he’s releasing the stinky kraken…that’s totally a saying, right?

I mean, everyone knows people pee and poo, but for some reason we become embarrassed when in those solitary stalls. You can’t tell me you haven’t once in your life sat there waiting for the other person to start their business before you do yours. Or you do the required cough or loud sniff or loud sigh to cover the sounds of your business.

This of course doesn’t count close friends or family, or when you’re so sick you literally couldn’t give a fart knuckle if the person next to you hears your intestines being forcefully exploded from your butthole…TMI?

I understand there are those few who give no thought when they use the public restroom, but for the many who awkwardly hope to keep the (purely misplaced) lie that humans don’t excrimentate (this is totally a word, btw) it’s oddly infuriating.

One of my closest friend’s significant other didn’t even believe women pooped or farted for the longest time. (I mean he did believe it, but did that whole man thing where they ignore that fact to keep women on this strange pedestal of…I don’t know…cleanliness I guess?) It took a loooooooong time for them to become comfortable with her pooping. No issue about him pooping, which I wonder if that’s like a sexist thing or a, I don’t know, double standard that oddly everyone just kind of accepts?

Anyways, I went off on a tangent, as one does. This was supposed to be a funny story about the pink shame dragon in my bathroom and it turned gross.

I apologize…but the shame dragon knows the truth and will continue to judge you.