Category Archives: Our House

Sound of Silence…JK!

Our house is located on a main road.

Well, not really…but really. We’re one of the first two houses when you turn into our neighborhood, but the north (?) facing side of our house is to a main, busy road.

The point is, our house was also built in the 70’s so it’s not that….soundproof. Every truck that goes by, you feel it. The house shakes a little.

Also, anyone walking by in the middle of the night talking relatively loudly, guess what? I can hear every word you’re saying. Not 100% clearly, but enough to make it hard to go back to sleep.

Anybut, the real reason I bring this up is this: It makes it very hard to record anything. And I don’t have the option to hide in a closet like most people.

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Howls of the Damned

I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t sleep well.

I mean I sleep, but I go through periods where I can’t get to sleep earlier than 3 am…or in the case of this post, 4 am.

4 am, the witching hour…okay, not really, but that’s when everything seems to happen around here. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about check out my Wake Up Call post for some background)

Let me set the scene:

My cat is sleeping at the foot of my bed. I’m not sleeping very well. I’m in that asleep, but conscious of the room state. I’d been stuck in this state since about 3:30 (I hadn’t been able to shut my brain down enough to try to sleep all night).

Anybut, 4 am, I hear a scream from outside. Now it reminds me of a drunk man whoo-hooing, but it’s a bit too high pitched and it’s a constant repeating “scream”. After a good two minutes, my cat lifts her head up and I know it’s not a person.

I grab my glasses and crawl out of bed. I look out my bedroom window, but can’t see anything. All the while the cries (cause surely they’re sounding more like cries now) continue. I walk into another room facing the golf course across the street from my house (not a fancy golf course I assure you) and I see a small shape standing just out of the light of the streetlamp.

A mother flipping coyote, still howling, has “woken” me up from my awful sleep. It keeps crying and of course I’m thinking no one will believe me. So I run to my room and grab my phone (like the good little millenial I am). I turn on the camera and….the fart knuckle shuts up!

I kid you not, the second I hit record that son (or daughter) of a bitch shuts the hell up!

Sorry for the crap video, but it was 4 am.

It wanders a little, lies down for a spell, cleans its teeth on the fence and then disappears out fo the circle of light further onto the golf course. Probably off to find any dog left out over night.

I hope not, but coyotes are (in my best David Attenborough impression) opportunity hunters.

My cat has left the bed to find warmer pastures and now I’m stuck awake at 4L30 in the morning with my right foot aching and my left leg spasming (explanation of that fun part of my life in a post to come)…fuck me.

Here’s a slightly okay image of the bastard:

8mf7+XGTTfOiuBh3nEGNpA

Shame Dragon

There’s a dragon in our downstairs bathroom that watches you while you pee. Their (it’s a pink dragon but I choose not to assume gender because there are perfectly handsome pink dragons who are boys and besides the dragon in our bathroom won’t answer if I ask) judgmental eyes are both a deterrent to anyone clogging the pipes as well as a guilt trip to ensure one washes his or her hands.

We originally bought this dragon as a Valentine’s Day gift for my mother and she chose to hide it around the house. Whoever found it would then have to hide it and so on. We did this for around two months before the dragon found its home in the bathroom.

It’s still there.

I don’t think many people notice it or if they do, they choose not to say anything.

Fair.

But when I use it, those big ol’ eyes stare me down until I almost can’t do my business. It’s moments like this that make me wonder, why do we get so embarrassed in public restrooms? (A leap in logic, but hang with me)

I can only speak on behalf of the female perspective, but I assume some men go through a similar feeling…? Maybe differently…no definitely differently since you guys have that whole stall versus urinal thing. So you know when a man uses the stall it’s more than likely cause he’s releasing the stinky kraken…that’s totally a saying, right?

I mean, everyone knows people pee and poo, but for some reason we become embarrassed when in those solitary stalls. You can’t tell me you haven’t once in your life sat there waiting for the other person to start their business before you do yours. Or you do the required cough or loud sniff or loud sigh to cover the sounds of your business.

This of course doesn’t count close friends or family, or when you’re so sick you literally couldn’t give a fart knuckle if the person next to you hears your intestines being forcefully exploded from your butthole…TMI?

I understand there are those few who give no thought when they use the public restroom, but for the many who awkwardly hope to keep the (purely misplaced) lie that humans don’t excrimentate (this is totally a word, btw) it’s oddly infuriating.

One of my closest friend’s significant other didn’t even believe women pooped or farted for the longest time. (I mean he did believe it, but did that whole man thing where they ignore that fact to keep women on this strange pedestal of…I don’t know…cleanliness I guess?) It took a loooooooong time for them to become comfortable with her pooping. No issue about him pooping, which I wonder if that’s like a sexist thing or a, I don’t know, double standard that oddly everyone just kind of accepts?

Anyways, I went off on a tangent, as one does. This was supposed to be a funny story about the pink shame dragon in my bathroom and it turned gross.

I apologize…but the shame dragon knows the truth and will continue to judge you.

Wake Up Call

I don’t go to bed at normal hours…like, ever, but the last thing I want when I finally tuck myself in for bed at 2 or 3 in the morning is to be woken up at 4 in the morning to a loud voice.

But that’s what happened one fabulous morning.

I heard the loud voice but couldn’t really make it out so I (like any other intelligent human running on less than two hours of sleep) assumed it was just some jackass (possibly drunk jackass) going out to his car or walking down the road. Sometimes a gentleman or lady of unfortunate circumstances walks by and makes sure everyone knows it.

Anyways, I (again, having been rudely woken up) went to the bathroom. Now the window in my bathroom is probably made from the thinnest glass possible because I could hear the loud voice more clearly as I sat on my porcelain throne. And that’s when I realized this was not just a random person yelling angrily into the morning air.

My first clue it wasn’t a random person were the first words I clearly heard: “Exit the vehicle one by one!” (or something to that effect, it was a while ago and my memory can be a little shit). That was also when I noticed the flashing lights.

Now, if curiosity was a deadly sin, I’d be the poster child for it. When I heard these words and realized there were red and blue lights flashing outside the window, I finished my business and then ran to my bedroom window. I, also not being stupid, moved the blinds only enough so I could peek out but (hopefully) not enough that anyone from the street would notice.

7, and this is absolutely NOT me exaggerating, 7 police cars of varying sizes were parked in front of my house. Parked in the driveway across the street with spotlights on it was a silver sedan (?)…okay, I don’t remember what the actual car was, but come on, that’s not the ting to focus on here.

Not only were there 7 police cars, but there were about a dozen or more police officers standing behind their car doors with their guns drawn.

There are many things to think at a moment like this, but the number one thought in my mind (besides the excitement of having juicy gossip to pretend to tell co-workers at my fantasy work) was how the hell did all these cop cars get here without their sirens? Like, you’d think those would’ve woken me long before the one officer yelling. I’m sure all you experts in police chases are probably yelling: Well, since it was so early in the morning, police don’t turn on their sirens so as not to disturb or draw attention blah blah blah…and I would make a stupid face at you and admit you’re probably right, but when you’re woken up at 4 am, logic isn’t usually there.

Back to the police. So, now that I’m no longer at the paper-thin bathroom window, I can’t really hear what the police are yelling to the car blocked from ever leaving the neighborhood. But I do decide to move into my office for a more comfortable view (i.e. a chair).

The back door of the silver car opened and a guy in a hoodie and jeans (soooooo original) came out with his hands raised above his head. The police had him back towards them and raise his shirt to show he had no weapon. Then he walked backwards to the police cars until one officer could grab him and handcuff him, search him, give a stern talking to, and then stuff him in the backseat of one police car. The next guy got out of the car from the same door and did the exact same thing, ending up in a separate police car. Then a third, exactly the same. Then a fourth guy came out. The car shook a little bit and a fifth guy came out, following the officer’s instructions to the T.

And I’m thinking, Wow, must’ve been a tight fit. Then a SIXTH guy got out of the car. I have to emphasize one thing…all six of these guys had to exit the car through the same door. Including the guy in the passenger seat and the driver. The two in the front had to climb into the back of the car and exit through the same door as the other 4. Again, some of you police chase experts are probably pushing your glasses (or invisible glasses?) up the bridge of your nose as you stare down at us peons who know nothing saying: That’s proper protocol for blah bLAH BLAH!

By the time the sixth guy was being put into a sixth police car, an eighth police car (a sheriff car) pulled up and the sun was rising. People were going to be waking up and heading out to work soon. The officers approached the car and thoroughly searched it, including the trunk. Once they were sure there were no other guys hiding somewhere, the officers put their guns away and became more relaxed.

Some went to each of the guys to either get their statements or inform them of their rights or whatever. The sheriff got out of his car and spoke with a number of the officers, glancing into the windows to see the guys. Others began digging through the trunk of the car.

Fun Anecdote: While the police were going through the car, the guy who delivers newspapers tried to turn down the street, but clearly didn’t see the 7-8 police cars. He did a U-turn instead and parked on the street. He spoke with an officer and they let him deliver our paper. So…kudos to the police for not stopping my flow of information.

Back to the trunk search. Even with the sun coming up, I couldn’t clearly see what they found beyond some obvious items such as dry cleaning. Yep, these guys took a car with the clothes they picked up from the dry cleaner in the trunk.

Oh, but how do you know they didn’t steal the car? Well, I don’t, but I assume they wouldn’t be stupid enough to steal a car for 6 people and not get something bugger than a sedan. Plus, if they stole the car then the items the officers found in the trunk wouldn’t make sense.

See besides the dry cleaning (which I might add, the police held up and laughed about so pretty sure even they thought it was funny how the guys remembered to pick up their dry cleaning before heading out to commit crimes [also the officers were very polite and hung the dry cleaning from the top of the open trunk to prevent wrinkles…double kudos]) the officers pulled out two or three things and placed them on the curb next to the car.

Reminder, I couldn’t really see (and yes, by this point I had grabbed binoculars to go full rear window on this situation) but there was a bag with maybe drugs or money or something in it but nothing too big. But the other thing they pulled out looked like a (possible) gun wrapped in cloth. I’ll never know because this never ended up on the news or in the paper, but the police did photograph these items on the curb and took everything with them.

Police cars started leaving one by one and those left behind closed up the car (including the dry cleaning). One officer was left alone to wait for a tow truck to arrive. When the tow truck finally arrived, the world was waking up.

Traffic was starting to get heavy on the main road and once the tow truck took the car away the last of the police drove off. Our street returned to its usual quiet.

And that’s the story of the 7 police cars and the dry-cleaning bandits. Who knows what they were charged with, but it’s still a fun story.

NOTES:

The image of my cat is because in the wee, early morning hours I didn’t even think to grab my phone to take any pictures of the police outside my house. Priorities.

I don’t know who the 6 guys were or what they looked like. I wear -10.5 lenses (i.e. blind as a fucking bat) and even with my glasses I still can’t see details in the distance.

I won’t deny perhaps I’m forgetting specific details, but numbers are accurate. There were indeed 7 police cars on my street and 6 dudes in a four-door sedan-like vehicle.

Also, I can’t speak as to whether any of the neighbors witnessed this either, it was 4 in the morning and truthfully, I was surprised nobody tried to come out and talk to the officers. Where I live, people can be very nosy. But I guess seeing about a dozen officers with guns in their hands really discourages that.