I’ve debated and debated and debated about whether or not to mention work.

So I’ll compromise and say I work in theater. Not onstage but backstage.

And this is where it gets a little tricky. I currently work with a theater company and I’m extremely fortunate to be working my third season with them. I will not name them, I will not even HINT at who they may be out of respect for their privacy (in case any of them ever read this and so I can talk about things that happen at work since it takes up a LOT of my life).

You’re probably thinking to yourself, but it’s a theater! They need the publicity! Fair, BUT! I can find better ways to promote them than through my blog.

Why even mention I work in theater? Because I need to talk about a struggle I’m having. You see I have the opportunity to move up in the company. Not into a permanent position per se.

You see, when I was in college, I was trained in Stage Management. What is that? Well, it’s someone who manages the stage…okay, there’s WAY more to it than that, but for the sake of this post it’s the person who manages rehearsals, runs the show, calls the cues, and sometimes keep the designers, director, and producers happy. Again, this is a WAAAAAAAY simplified explanation.

ANYBUT! I worked many shows as an assistant stage manager and production stage manager. I’ve worked student productions, operas, musicals, Shakespeare, and a world premiere play. So, I’ve done the job before.

Tying back into where I work…they’ve been mentioning to me the possibility of having me stage manage for them (assistant stage manage, 100%). This would mean getting me an Equity card which could lead to more work with other companies in the future, too.

That sounds great! You should do it! Why are you even hesitating?

I hear you. I understand. But…here’s the struggle…

I don’t deserve it. My imposter syndrome won’t allow me to deserve it. My anxiety and depression won’t allow me to deserve it. And I don’t want to let the company down because of my issues.

Also, as it stands now, I work every show during the season, but if I get an Equity card, there’s a chance I wouldn’t be able to work every show and though it could lead to work with other companies it ALSO would limit how much work I can get…I’m not really sure how it works, but it opens opportunities while also shutting down others.

Get over it!

I wish I could. But until I can…I’ll stay here.

TO BE CONTINUED…….sort of.