Personality Flaw?

What does it say about me that I have a much larger panic attack when someone asks me to make a decision versus someone giving me constructive criticism?

I mean, the latter is literally someone taking something I’ve been working on for almost 10 years and giving it the middle school english teacher treatment…you know…the red pen of editing death!

Overdramatic, I know.

HOWEVER! That doesn’t send the shock of terror and embarrassment up my spine as much as someone asking for my opinion and to make a decision.

WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS THIS ODDITY?!

Anybut…I’m procrastinating right now.

………..After procrastinating from the site for 2 weeks…gow, my procrastination needs a little work.

Hypocrisy of My Social Media

I am a millennial. I am a connoisseur of the social medias.

But I am awful at communication. Having conversations with people gives me panic attacks.

I literally won’t respond to someone after a few minutes pass because I feel like it’s been too long and if I respond then it will be annoying to the other person and I don’t want to bother them.

HOWEVER! I get upset when things I post on the social medias get no responses.

HYPOCRISY! I KNOW!

I understand those who are successful are that way because they build communities and that requires being responsive to said community.

But at the same time that also leads to communities being overly close to the person they follow without ever truly knowing them. This is what leads to the toxic communities that feel the need to defend the one they’re fans of from others in (sometimes) very dangerous ways.

But maybe I’m overthinking everything….like I always do…

Anybut, that’s my hypocrisy with social media…specifically my own.

MUST RESIST!!!

I’m fighting my urge to just buy EVERYTHING online!

Nintendo Switch, five foot cat tree, OFFICE SUPPLIES!!! And other things I won’t list here.

But at the same time….My place of employment, the theater I work for…….they’re shuttered until, at the earliest, next year. 2021!!!

So yeah, the country may be trying to open back up….feelings….but even if everything went 100% smoothly, I’m out of work until next year. I am looking at possible work options that hopefully pan out, but no guarantees…

BUT FIRST!!! SAY NO TO A SWITCH!!!

Big Step

I took a big step today.

I sent possibly one of the most important emails of MY LIFE!!

But I don’t know when to officially give myself the title of…….soon to be published author? Is it now or is it when there is a publishing date set?

WHO KNOWS?!

But the one thing I CAN say is this:

I have a contract. I have an independent publishing company who wants to publish my book.

YAY!

Nerdy Moment

I apologize for this, but I don’t know where else to talk about this…so, here goes.

Recently…four days ago, I completed Final Fantasy VII the Remake. I mean, I got the platinum trophy for the game (if you own a Playstation you know what that means).

Anybut, that’s not the main focus of this post. It’s a segue into the main focus.

I’ve forgotten how much the story of Final Fantasy VII (the original 1997 release) influenced me as a writer. It was the first video game I played that had such a deep story that actually got me not only invested in the characters, but ripped my heart out with its twists and turns.

TRUE!! You could argue it got a little bogged down going through every character’s back story….BUT!! A number of those characters were technically optional so you didn’t have to follow through on their stories….BUT WHY WOULDN’T YOU?!

The characters above all else were the most important part of the game! And you had NINE to choose from! And they were all fleshed out in such a skilled way, you fell in love with all of them!

AND THE STORY!!

Now to be fair, when I first played the game I didn’t really know what was going on…but playing through it again…and again…and again, I LOVE the story. It’s one of my favorites of all time!

And with the Remake, I feel like I’m reliving it with additional bonuses since they can now flesh out even more characters to make bigger impacts (even if they did choose to change some of the events slightly)!

I’ve played many of the other Final Fantasy games, but VII will always be the one that truly showed me that characters are just as, if not more, important than the story. IX gave me similar vibes, but something about VII just resonated more with me.

Enough of this talk…for now…just needed to get this off my chest.

 

ALSO!!! I haven’t even talked about the MUSIC!! GAAHH!!!

I’m Bad at This

290th post.

I’ve always been bad at keeping up with things. I’d hoped this site would be different. But once again I’ve proven that I can’t be consistent.

Does this mean I’m giving up on this blog?

No.

I was able to post something every day for 138 days last year. Can I ever accomplish such a feat AGAIN?!

Probably.

But not right now. With everything going on in the world, in my life, and just overall…I really had nothing to post.

Some people are finding this troubling time is making it easier for them to be productive/able to do things they normally wouldn’t have time for…

Honestly, good for them. I’m glad so many unique things are happening for others.

For me…this whole thing has made me realize my own fears. My fears of being successful that prevent me from striving for more or what everyone keeps telling me I deserve. My fears of failure that prevent me from even trying new and terrifying things. My fears of imposter syndrome that convince me if I never strive for more then I can’t let people down.

I’m trapped with the person I hate in this world the most. Me. Not all of me. Just the part where all the fears live.

She’s a real bitch.

I know this is a selfish post. People are sick. People are dying. People are terrorizing each other. People are struggling through all of this with no homes. No families to help them.

And here I am. Watching it happen and not knowing what to do.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Random Thought

I think this whole being in self isolation is affecting more than my non existent social life and lack of work.

It’s affecting my non existent sleep schedule. And by affecting, I mean every sound in my home that I used to ignore/know exactly what it was…now sounds consistently like somebody walking through the house.

I know it’s not, but I think a little bit of paranoia is starting…and there’s still 26 days of this round of stay at home orders.

My main source of the paranoia is the idea that desperate people who are out of work…will be desperate.

It also didn’t help that this past holiday season, a guy knocked on our door when I was home alone and was acting reeeeaaallllyy shady. Like, facing away from the door and standing enough to the side that if I opened the door, he could easily force his way in or surprise me.

I’m a little jumpy, now.

And I hate that. I hate that I’m even thinking people would do that during this already sucky time…but this is an unusual time. And most people can’t handle unusual.

But as a teenage goth once said, “I myself am…unusual.”

I think that was the quote…close enough.

Yes, I watched Tiger King

I watched it. I liked it.

It only really shocked me twice. The first time was due to footage of someone post tiger attack (not too graphic, but I mean you could pretty much see what happened).

The second time was the footage of a man who witnessed another man shoot himself in the head.

The second one was far more shocking. I actually didn’t expect it, but also DID expect it as they led up to the event.

All the twists and turns were played up a bit, but at the same time…EVERY SINGLE PERSON was shady as hell. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!

Whatever the true story (or stories) is, I did enjoy binge watching the entire series.

That’s all.

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