I wish this was a fun post…
But it’s not. I wanted to post more things yesterday, but I…had a struggle day.
Struggle Days are when the thoughts in my head I’m usually able to brush off seem to be on repeat even louder than normal.
Struggle Days are when I feel alone even though I know my friends are a phone call away.
Struggle Days are when every negative thing on the news makes it feel like there’s no hope for the world.
Struggle Days make it hard to concentrate on the things I love to do.
I had a struggle day.
And I wish I could’ve post more yesterday.
I’m okay, though. And I will post something else today.
You thought it was over…
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out this post first: The Struggle Part 1
I was offered to work a show I’ve already worked on at a different theater company.
Better pay (like above minimum wage better), free housing (since I’d have to go to Utah), and working the same show 5 days a week with two performances on 2 days (in other words: 48 performances).
I’ve never been to Utah and if I accepted I’d have to leave, like, yesterday. Once I do a show, I tend to do my own post mortem (a term that’s not only for morticians, but also for theater folk; it’s kind of like wrapping up the show and going over what went well and what didn’t, etc.) and am already looking forward to the next show. Also, this show will be directly conflicting with the next show on my calendar…which is one that I’ve been looking forward to all year.
And MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: I will know absolutely no one. I know a lot of you are probably like, “Why is that the most important thing?” Well, if you haven’t read some of my other posts, here’s the deal: I have social anxiety. It is very difficult for me to get to know new people. The only reason it works at the theater company I work for with the constant new actors is because the basic production team stays the same and I’ve been with them for three years. So, yeah, I’ve gotten to know them to the point I’m comfortable being myself around them.
It’s this final point that’s creating the struggle. My anxiety is playing so many different scenarios through my head (most bad, a few good) and I can’t trust myself to make the decision.
Did I ultimately make a choice? Yes. Will I regret it? Yes. But at the same time, I know I made the right choice for who I am at this moment in time.